Suffering in silence

[Bettine]

I never realized that I was once abused. I am a 22 year old alcoholic, drug dependent, sex addict, and nicotine addict. I am now in a formation center far away from home. When I first came in, I thought I was only in for all these addictions of mine. Never did I know that these were only things on the surface, thins that people see, stuff that slowly deteriorated my body. But what was really deteriorating my soul? I learned that I was one who was sexually abused by my brother. It started when I was 6 years old. I always thought that it was just a normal 'playing around' which we were doing under the roof of our home. As I was growing up, I never understood why I was always in search for men who looked physically liked my brother, who acted like him, who behaved the way he was behaving. My brother is an addict too so I ended up with men who were destructive, men who were also into alcohol and drugs. I engaged myself in various kinds of relationships thinking that maybe, just maybe I could end up with somebody exactly like him. Now I understand why I was chasing after something I could not really get.